Sunday, May 31, 2009
this following letter is from my tutee who is currently in the singapore boy's home ...
one day i gave him a essay title of the greater kind of love and he took the chance of writing something for his mom ...
please forgive his language and maybe for once in the long while read this using your heart ...
...... i guess i grew up in a family environment that could not get more typical like the cushy-comfort lifestyle that my mother worked most of her life for that i benefited from without doing much, except listen to what she wanted from and for me, by don't mix with bad company, come home early, get good grades and get myself a good job when i grew up so that i could earn good money to support the family, get married to a good girl, have good children and lead a good life so that i won't disappoint her and make her proud, safe and totally predictable. i don't even blame her because it was for my own good. now, at least i considering the conditions she grew up in and i knew that my mother wanted for me what she could not have.
it became clear that this would only lead me down the path destruction, and this was definitely not what i wanted for myself as a kid with big dreams. i remembered wanting so many things as a businessman, a fitness instructor and a lawyer. all that so that i could be in a position to make a difference to the world. in the moment, i dumped my obsessive need to prove. with the weight off the shoulder, i have more freedom to see my mother in a different light. i should have stopped being angry at her for not paying attention to me and instead, started to pay attention to the way she displayed her love. one of the nest things that happened to me when i realised how fortunate i was to have my mother who loved me and gice me a lot of adviceby doing the things that was not correct and do the right things. but yet i choosed to advoid her by being with my friends. it was amazing to be able to tell her openly that i love her and hug her .
by thinking back just 2 years ago, i was really a silly and ignorant boy. i thought i could fight against the system in the world. i hated studying and being controlled by my mother. my efforts to find someone to give me unconditioned love resulted in continuous heartbreak. getting in touch with this got me to recognise that it was the desperation for my mother's love that was the driving force for me finding love form the remales in my life. for the longest time, i had the longing to tell mu mom how i felt and to start repairing the damage inflicted onto my family but all i managed to do was a few cordial exchanges with her. i was thinking my friends's father passed away from cancer and while breaking the news to her, i broke down. started choking on my tears and mucus and my words peppered with hiccups but there and then, i finally managed to open up to her. i said " mummy, now i really know the importance of you and i do treasure you a lot.i wanted you to take care of your health because i do not want to lose you to some horrible sickness."
All in all, i only wanted to fukfill the unfulfilled dreams of my mother. that sje could not have what she wanted, so i live the lives of her shallow dream which were to get everything that she wated a good education, the benefitsof a good job anf the benefits of other things that did not have. somehting i believed that only by doing certain things than only do i managed to get what she want and not doing so would make me unworthy. as in my comfortable expectations i came to accept only certain forms of expressions and especially when it comes to love, i am sometimes blinded by the ideealized way of expressing love. i love you mom.
....
what we could have been, 9:05 pm.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
hehe just a photo
what we could have been, 2:03 pm.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
... and the world will sometimes spit right at you, laughing.
Now, I'm never one to despair for long. I always did use to believe that if you smile at the world, the world would smile back right at you! Someone once told me that my faith in people and the way things may turn out would just come back and bite me in the ass. I guess this time, it really has.
Is it truly that bad, to have a little faith?
A little faith in life ... a little faith in ppl around me ... a little faith in me ...
what we could have been, 1:33 pm.
Friday, May 15, 2009
She wrote this for me ...
shall dedicate this post to my baby♥
Its not a post to boast about how much boyf loves me
or how much Im loving him.
Its a post that serves as a reflection to myself.
Last night, you told me how much you want to spend your remaining life w me
and that sets me to thinking,
just how much have I really done for this relationship
I mean I did try very hard,
Promise you that I'll have no more contacts w some bastards.
But I didnt really do it.
You said I am perfect.
I find that term very disturbing.
Since nobody can be perfect.
why then can I be perfect?
You said that you believe in happily ever after
but I laughed at you and your naiveness.
there is definitely no such thing as happily ever after
those are all commercialised beliefs arent they?
I thought about it seriously
looked back at all those days
and couldnt rem what have I really done for you.
Right, counting about quantity
the number of times you tried to make me smile
the number of times you tried to surprise me
the number of times you tried to tell me hw much i mean to you
they just seem so many
you waited for me at the airport when I came back frm HK
not knowing which terminal which flight timing which plane company Im taking.
still you waited for hours. from evening till midnight
you bought my favourite food for me when I screwed up my exams
yet inside my mind Im thinking tt I cannot juggle both studies & you.
my parents dislike you
and instead of you being upset,
you told me not to give up
one day they will accept you, your nationality.
the care and concern
its always travelling from you towards me.
and this time
let it be from me to you.
let me do something for you.
starting from cancelling somebodies from our lives, hao ma?
<3
what we could have been, 1:01 pm.
Friday, May 01, 2009
Finally after so so long ... i finally decided to update my blog and change my blogskin at the same time.
anw i am like trying my best to earn as much money as i can
someone once told me nothing is more important than money ... nothing( actually there is more than 1 person who told me that)
therefore i shall earn more money to give the person that is more important than money a better life ...
what is important ...
if i choose anything other than money does it means than i am not practical ?
what we could have been, 10:32 pm.
