Sunday, May 31, 2009
this following letter is from my tutee who is currently in the singapore boy's home ...
one day i gave him a essay title of the greater kind of love and he took the chance of writing something for his mom ...
please forgive his language and maybe for once in the long while read this using your heart ...
...... i guess i grew up in a family environment that could not get more typical like the cushy-comfort lifestyle that my mother worked most of her life for that i benefited from without doing much, except listen to what she wanted from and for me, by don't mix with bad company, come home early, get good grades and get myself a good job when i grew up so that i could earn good money to support the family, get married to a good girl, have good children and lead a good life so that i won't disappoint her and make her proud, safe and totally predictable. i don't even blame her because it was for my own good. now, at least i considering the conditions she grew up in and i knew that my mother wanted for me what she could not have.
it became clear that this would only lead me down the path destruction, and this was definitely not what i wanted for myself as a kid with big dreams. i remembered wanting so many things as a businessman, a fitness instructor and a lawyer. all that so that i could be in a position to make a difference to the world. in the moment, i dumped my obsessive need to prove. with the weight off the shoulder, i have more freedom to see my mother in a different light. i should have stopped being angry at her for not paying attention to me and instead, started to pay attention to the way she displayed her love. one of the nest things that happened to me when i realised how fortunate i was to have my mother who loved me and gice me a lot of adviceby doing the things that was not correct and do the right things. but yet i choosed to advoid her by being with my friends. it was amazing to be able to tell her openly that i love her and hug her .
by thinking back just 2 years ago, i was really a silly and ignorant boy. i thought i could fight against the system in the world. i hated studying and being controlled by my mother. my efforts to find someone to give me unconditioned love resulted in continuous heartbreak. getting in touch with this got me to recognise that it was the desperation for my mother's love that was the driving force for me finding love form the remales in my life. for the longest time, i had the longing to tell mu mom how i felt and to start repairing the damage inflicted onto my family but all i managed to do was a few cordial exchanges with her. i was thinking my friends's father passed away from cancer and while breaking the news to her, i broke down. started choking on my tears and mucus and my words peppered with hiccups but there and then, i finally managed to open up to her. i said " mummy, now i really know the importance of you and i do treasure you a lot.i wanted you to take care of your health because i do not want to lose you to some horrible sickness."
All in all, i only wanted to fukfill the unfulfilled dreams of my mother. that sje could not have what she wanted, so i live the lives of her shallow dream which were to get everything that she wated a good education, the benefitsof a good job anf the benefits of other things that did not have. somehting i believed that only by doing certain things than only do i managed to get what she want and not doing so would make me unworthy. as in my comfortable expectations i came to accept only certain forms of expressions and especially when it comes to love, i am sometimes blinded by the ideealized way of expressing love. i love you mom.
....
what we could have been, 9:05 pm.
